How to be a faithful husband can be found clearly in our theme verse for this article. Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Missing In Action – “used to say that a soldier cannot be found after a battle and might have been killed, captured, or wounded.”
Man In Action – A man that is active in his family’s life in all areas that are needed. Men, don’t be hard to find!
Men, where are you on the battlefield? Are you active and accounted for in your marriage, or are you missing in action? Don’t think your marriage is a battlefield? There are landmines all around you and her. There is an enemy that is trying to distract you, trying to frustrate you and many times tries to pull you apart. Still don’t think so? See if these sound familiar…
- Sex
- Money
- Family
- Housework
- Friends
- Sex (oops….how did that get on there twice)
- Work
- Communication
- Attention
- Sex (hey…there it is again)
We are going to assume it didn’t start off this way. It probably started off with a glance across the room or being introduced to her by a friend. Maybe it was a high school sweetheart or even an online match. However it started, there was a time when you pursued her with fever and zeal. Your heart beat faster when she was around you, and when she wasn’t, your mind couldn’t focus on anything but her. You’d dress up when you knew you were going to see her and may have even gone out of your way to see her. Those days may seem like a long time ago for some of us. I have news for you…your woman still wants you to feel the same way toward her. The chase should never end with a date, engagement or marriage.
What message do you send to your wife when you no longer try? You know all that time she spends putting makeup on or trying to pick out the right shirt or fingernail polish before date night? That’s so you can notice her. Don’t think so? Does your wife ask you how she looks? She wants to know you are still chasing her and she needs to know it’s with fever and zeal and not just a passive noncommittal response. You need to be a faithful husband.
I’ve heard men say all kinds of stupid things; a few didn’t come from me. I think these examples are where TV husbands come from. Here are a couple that had me shaking my head:
- I told you I loved you when we got married; if something changes, I’ll let you know.
- You look like you’ve put on a little weight.
- I like the way your friend does her hair.
- Here’s some money. Go buy yourself something for your birthday.
- We haven’t had sex in a while!
- What, are you stupid?
- I’m tired of hearing your constant nagging.
- I hang out with the guys because I need some “ME” time.
If you are saying these kinds of things to your wife, then a battlefield is just what your marriage is. But men, we can do better than that! You can be a faithful husband.
About the author: Tj is the CEO of Studio490 Creative Services and Uncommen.
You can’t possibly be saying you don’t need “me time”? I’ve heard from every healthcare professional I know that you need to take out time for yourself sometimes. Even the Bible speaks of going off to be by yourself, not necessarily with the boys, but at least going off to be with God alone. The passage makes it seem like it’s wrong to want to take care of yourself.
No, the article is not saying that.
The focus of the article is when we don’t spend time investing in our marriage or family, things start to fall apart for us and our families. We are called to spend time alone with God, with other brothers and sisters in Christ, in prayer, in fellowship, spreading the Gospel and more. The Uncommen Charter program is all about men spending time with each other for encouragement and accountability. But when we use the excuse for “ME TIME” we may need to look at what that means. Because it’s not always beneficial “ME TIME”.
I get where you’re coming from in how you phrase the “Me Time” excuse but I had a similar “gut reaction” as I read this. Agreed with everything except that excuse.
I actually believe that deliberately having “me” time (for each of us) is a good thing. Whenever we’ve fought a lot or stress has built up…usually it’s because one of us is feeling burned out and need a recharge by ourselves.
Even if it’s an hour sometimes thats all it takes.
I do believe a lot of people create too much separation as an excuse or rationalization in not dealing with their issues.
But I don’t think the way you phrased that is in the same vein as the other excuses. I can easily count half a dozen reasons why someone would say “I hang with the boys because I need ‘me time’ ” and be perfectly healthy…whereas I can’t see any reason anyone would say the others.
Sorry if this lands as nitpicky or “missing the point.” It’s def not…I loved the article except for this one point (and I think it’s how it’s phrased and compared to those other excuses not the point I believe you’re trying to make)
Brad, thank you for the feedback.
I love that this point is making us all reexamine what “me time” should and shouldn’t mean. Remember, as the article states, this is what I’ve heard other men say to their wives. I understand the context is not there in the bullet point, but this person was not there when his wife and kids needed him. He would always use the “me time” as a reason to get out of being there for them.
I’m a only child so I grew up understanding how to appreciate some alone / me time. It’s important for everyone to have some quality time to themselves. It’s when it’s used as leverage to get out of being a husband or a dad that is the issue.
But I love the conversation that is going on here.
Get your “Me Time”, make it beneficial just don’t make it an obstacle.
Stay Uncommen!
I believe the ‘Me Time’ referenced here is when it’s used as an excuse to get away from home. If you weren’t spending ‘me time’ before marriage and suddenly now you need it, that’s a sign of family issues.
Good response and choice of words, there’s no greater gift to a wife than a godly(love) agape love kinda man seeking to meet her needs and adjusting himself into the man of courage we are all called to be if you only see through the lies of our place in a marriage as the head were called into greater action than we usually wish to give anything not on our list, remember it’s her list and as your bride she’s choosing you to lead, guide and protect and that’s not just a physical action it’s protection over who she is as a person and looking at her flaws through gods eyes as he helps her see you the same way, may god give us the eyes to see and the words to speak to keep our wife’s protected
When you marry you become one. Why would you need time or get time away from yourself?
I think it is key not to get all caught up on what is Me time.
The emphasis should be as Men to be accountable to the women that as so truthfully was pointed out HUNTED and CONQURED. Why go thru all of that time and effort to win their heart to ignore them and lose them? Why are we looking for time every chance we get to get away from them? Why can’t we comment on their looks when they ask and be as honest as when we were courting them and not wanting any other man to look at them but us.
I got the point of this. I am approaching my 25th year of marriage and I am approaching 50 and this was a lesson that is so NEEDED to me right now as I have lived my life my way the first 50 years and now I need to live my life for God and with God and thru God word. I want my next 50 years on this earth and the next 25 years with my wife to be one of happiness and contentment.
Men lets concentrate on the message and not get hung up on the points.
Great Lesson thanks for sharing.
I agree with what you are saying.
Unfortunately, “me time” is too often at the expense of the family and serves self. And the author is correct in that the marriage is a battlefield, especially in our post modern culture that celebrates everything but family (or so it seems). Family, marriage, sexual orientation, faith, etc., are all under attack. Men have to step up and be the “man” God designed ya to be.
A-Men, my friend!
From a guy who God had mercy on in making me realize that it wasn’t all my wife’s fault for the struggles we were having, I can definitely relate to the battlefield comparison. When we, as men of God, finally realize that the more we care and try to love our wives as Christ loved the church, the enemy will do everything possible to tear us apart. It is a daily battle and we have a responsibility to God and our families to put on the full armor of God as it says in Ephesians 6 and boldly go to battle very day using the tools God has given us to fight with. One of the questions that was asked in the article was “What message do you send to your wife when you no longer try?” I’ll tell you, you send the message of I don’t care or your are not as important to me as….(fill in the blank). How is that supposed to be respected? We are all better than that! Keep fighting men! The greatest commander ever is on OUR side.
This concept of “me time” is interesting. My wife asks for “me time” often. Mostly she wants an hour or so every night before bed. She does have time away from the kids with a part time job, getting her hair done etc. I don’t know what to make out of the request for daily “me time.” I do wake up early for time to pray and read so I guess I have that time alone, but it doesn’t take away from time with her. I guess I am a little concerned that by not going to bed together we will lose some intamacy.
Take it to the Lord bro and pleed over ur family – and He will either give u answers or turn it round –
Maybe you all could share what great looks like. I have identified that I am in a battle, that I need to be more attentive. What things can I do to be battle ready? Pray, yes. Pray how or thru which verses?
Kent,
Great question. First let me say, read your Bible daily. The architect of marriage speaks to how a man and a woman should act toward each other. Here is some info around our mission…
The Resolution statements in the Courageous movie are based upon the highest priorities for men in God’s Word. Each statement describes a commitment you should resolve to live by as the leader of your home. Each of them is a call to action, and living by them will ultimately help you stand before God one day and hear him say, “WELL DONE!”
Here is the Resolution for Men:
I do solemnly resolve before God to take full responsibility for myself, my wife, and my children.
I WILL love them, protect them, serve them, and teach them the Word of God as the spiritual leader of my home.
I WILL be faithful to my wife, to love and honor her, and be willing to lay down my life for her as Jesus Christ did for me.
I WILL bless my children and teach them to love God with all of their hearts, all of their minds, and all of their strength.
I WILL train them to honor authority and live responsibly.
I WILL confront evil, pursue justice, and love mercy.
I WILL pray for others and treat them with kindness, respect, and compassion.
I WILL work diligently to provide for the needs of my family.
I WILL forgive those who have wronged me and reconcile with those I have wronged.
I WILL learn from my mistakes, repent of my sins, and walk with integrity as a man answerable to God.
I WILL seek to honor God, be faithful to His church, obey His Word, and do His will.
I WILL courageously work with the strength God provides to fulfill this resolution for the rest of my life and for His glory.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. (Joshua 24:15)
I have failed my wife and children greatly in this,as i woke up this morning before going through my mails i heard this words” a wounded soldier is a paralysed warrior” and i realised how inactive i became for the past 6 years after i got hurt in church,in that same time i went through persecution in church my wife cheated on me,i was so angry and frustrated and i wanted to return the favour,i even went so far in getting involved with her friends,i was wrecklessly infected with revenge and bitterness and unforgiveness,today after 6 years of going through rejection and wrath,i realised the damages i caused, emotionally,spiritually and even financially just because i culdnt forgive when God wanted me to.im putting this out here cause i need all of u strong men to pray for me and my household,i have greatly neglected and failed my loved ones.please keep me in your prayers.
The Lord will not let go of you. Repent and turn away from those things that hurt the Heart of God and your wife and kids. Turn your “all” back to Him and your family. Let everyone else go! Confess. Repent. Run towards Him. He will meet you where you’re at. I’m living proof.
“Me time” shouldn’t be in our minds. That is just a cliche this world uses to make us more “independent” and separating us from our “dependence” on God. As a man married for over 20 years, I can definitely understand our lack of continuous assurance to our wives that they are the most important part of our lives. God created the woman to be the faithful companion of man, and we have to think why He did that. Im pretty sure is that we need them more than we like to accept to be a man of God. Again, i can only spark about me, but whenever I spend in “me time”, nothing good comes out of it. Whenever I spend time with my wife, it makes me a better man. Missy but not least, spending time with God is not “me time”, as we’re not alone when we are with the Creator.
Excellent article and even after 20 years, you might not learn new ways, but you can always be reminded of great ways to keep the flame of your marriage lit and be ready for battle.
God bless you all!
What I have learned over the past 25 years being married. Frankly the first 20+ I was a selfish jerk and did not truly realize or appreciate how incredibly lovely my wife is! Even when she’s not! ?
Ok here is a possible paradigm shift for some…. Food for thought if you will.
If your relationship is the equivalent to an ATM machine, you probably take out more withdrawals than you make deposits. Unfortunately there is no direct deposit in our marriages. Thus, we need to walk into the bank on purpose and make necessary deposits.
Date nights, watch the show she wants with her in the same room, sticky notes, do the project you said you would do NOW! My brothers send a “sext message” to your wife (yes I spelled that correctly). Have her take your arm while you walk down the street. Take the weekend getaway every so often. Give her the “WE” time & you will find your “me” time. Lastly, pray together!!!! ???
Our time on this sphere is limited. Maximize it with her and your children!
Somehow, thank the Lord, she has stayed with me all these years. Yes we still have some “high decibel conversations”. But she’s the one I asked above all others to walk our walk….. together.
Lose your pride and say you’re sorry. Tell her you can’t make up for what you did all those yesterdays but you will damn sure work on making every tomorrow better.
If course we fall short daily. But they want to know we are in it to win it with them. And ask our Heavenly Father every day to lead you, so you can lead them.
Don’t be the TV husband. Don’t be normal. Be UNCOMMEN!
Love it!! Thank you brother.
Blessing from Australia.
I appreciate this article and the responses. I’ve been married for 26 years and have been feeling like it ain’t worth it anymore. Sometimes (too many times) I feel like it’s all on me and I get tired and frustrated. I don’t need “me” time bc I’d rather spend it with her and the kids. Yet, I am always willing to give her space. The danger in all of this is I’ve noticed the “trick” of the enemy, sending women in my path who pay close attention to how I work and care for my wife and family. I avoided two holiday gatherings after work bc it just didn’t feel like I would have come home “faithful”. Brothers thank you for being transparent. I needed this.
Grace and Peace
Seems like the Me time is the pound of flesh no one wants to throw on the alter. I go to the gym that’s when I get me time to clear my head. I enjoy a walk with my dog that’s me time. A bike ride that’s me time. These are healthy allotted times for me to connect with God and my self..but going out with the wrong group of guys going to bars drinking and checking out girls is not the Me time God intends for men. I speak to myself but it’s time to step it up.
“She wants to know you are still chasing her and she needs to know it’s with fever and zeal and not just a passive noncommittal response. You need to be a faithful husband.”
I love this statement….I would never hear the same question my wife ask when we go out or when she get’s ready on our date night without this statement at the back of my head!
Thanks brother!
I’m new to this site but have read many of the UNCOMMEN plans on the You Version app. They have been very beneficial in more ways than I ever imagined. I have learned things about myself, good and bad. The “me time” thing is something that I don’t struggle with in the context that I take it. I absolutely did in the past. I divorced my first wife and got remarried to my current wife after several years of single life in between. My first wife had an affair and I admittedly didn’t even consider giving it a second chance or try to work things out. It was obvious that the man with the seven figure salary was much more appealing to her. Fortunately, we didn’t have children. I spent a lot of time hanging out with the guys. Not all bad things with them. I golfed a lot, hunted, fished, rode ATV’s, travelled, went to bars for beer and wings, etc. All of that was a ton of fun. I was not a good man on my own during those years, as women came and went. Relationships that went from one night stands to several months and everything in between. None of them were for love. They were for my physical pleasure and to combat boredom. What I should have been doing instead of me time, was spending time getting right with God. I absolutely, positively believe God finally stepped in and said enough of my stupidity is enough and then led me to my beautiful wife that I have now. When we started dating, the me time went away. My friends wondered what they had done to upset me. The fact is, they didn’t do anything wrong. I simply did not and still do not want to be away from the woman I love. Keep in mind that I had only thought I knew what love was before my current wife. Now I KNOW what love is. I play very little golf, I hunt and fish on occasion. I never go out with the guys. I didn’t change these things because my wife made me. I changed them because I wanted to. I don’t want to be away from her or our three beautiful girls. We only have so much time on this earth. Kids are only kids for so long. There are only so many softball games, there are only so many volleyball games, there are only so many dance competitions. Ther are only so many “dad, wanna pitch to me or work on grounders to short” moments, etc. I don’t want to miss a thing. I love my girls and I want to be there for everything that I can, even if I do need chest waders for the sea of estrogen that I live in. Lol….I am blessed beyond comprehension. I truly believe that I have traveled a lot of broken roads in my life with the purpose of getting me where I am today. Thank God for those broken roads. …. Now, I have made myself sound pretty good, right? Wrong!!!! …..Even though I love my wife, I brought some bad habits into this marriage that have no place in a Christian marriage. I still had the habit of looking at the attractive women, looking at pics in emails from friends, etc. I will say that I was never into porn but what I was looking at was wrong, dressed or undressed. It took me years to figure out what my wife was so upset about. I wasn’t lusting by my definition. I wasn’t talking to them, flirting with them, wanting to sneak off with them. I finally figured out through prayer and reading scripture and doing many many husband, relationship and getting closer to God plans. Even plans that made me uncomfortable to admit that it may be helpful to do them. Like being a faithful husband or how to be content in your marriage. I was faithful, physically but that’s not the only way to be unfaithful. I was very hard headed and had way too many years of the bad habits. The result was a beautiful and super sexy wife with low self esteem and self worth. Not bragging but my wife is beautiful and has an amazing body, yet my actions with my eyes made her work harder than she should, buy more clothes to try to look good enough to keep my attention, doing anything and everything she could to be good enough. In reality, she was always good enough. She is way more than good enough and much more than I deserve but I didn’t make her feel that way at all because of a stupid, useless bad habit of looking at attractive women. Even though I stopped doing those bad things quite some time ago, I’m still repairing the damage to her self esteem, self image and earning her faith in me. I only truly started to gain ground when I leaned on God and I mean in a big and deliberate way. My point is guys, our selfishness can cause great harm when we don’t even realize. I would have sworn I was a good husband if asked. Truth is, I wasn’t, even though I cut out my me time. If our wives act like something is wrong, there probably is. The first place we should look is in the mirror. We have to be honest with ourselves when we do. We have to listen to them like we would want them to listen to us. We have to swallow our pride and be real with ourselves. We have to involve God every step of the way. I can now pray that God let my wife see my heart and mind. I sure wouldn’t have prayed for that a year ago. My wife and I have gone through some wonderful and amazing times but they were often overshadowed by my failures to her with those hurtful things that made her doubt herself. If only I had truly listened and not been hard headed when she first shared her concerns years ago. I finally admitted to her, face to face, looking her in the eye that I had a horrible habit that has caused her much pain and asked her to pray for me and I in turn pray for her to have peace in her heart and for God to guide me to be the husband that he wants me to be. Me time may be a good thing in some ways for some people, but please be careful. I’m sorry for the long post but if one person can learn anything from my mistakes, I’m glad to put them out there. Seeing that smile on her face like it was when we first started dating, feeling that meaningful kiss, enjoying the true passionate love making versus routine sex is worth swallowing our stupid pride, sticking a knife in our inflated aegos and working on whatever flaws we may have. We should not need a smile from another women to make us feel good if we are making our wives feel good about themselves. As we all know, women are extremely complex. One inappropriate look from us toward another woman spurs more thoughts and thought processes, all of which do great damage for a wife than I could even fathom until I finally LISTENED to her with open ears, an open heart, an open mind and a closed mouth. I suggest lots of sincere prayer on those last few things because those are the true key. IMO……. Again, I apologize for the long message and for getting off topic. It was on my heart to share my failures and successes…. As Jimmy V. said, don’t give up, don’t ever give up.
May God bless you all!
I liked this article and while I did also have that immediate defensive gut reaction to “me time” I understand now the spirit in which it was said. My wife, God bless her shared some wisdom with me early in our courtship when I wanted to be more than friends but I was firmly stranded in “Friend zone” territory (God teaches us persistence right! She finally said yes and now my wife!). She shared this statement with me:
“A man should never give all of his time to his woman, for when he does this he ceases to be wild and when he ceases to be wild he stops being attractive to her.”
She said to me that a man needs “His” time doing “man” things as much as women need their “women” time to do womanly things. Doing man things is not being an idiot and doing things that destroy relationship and are against your wedding vows (Do not take this as permission to head to Vegas and check out the dancing girls!).
Society teaches us to idolize each other and this takes our focus away from God where it should be.
She also shared that when both partners seek God it automatically brings each of you closer to one another! This is also true! She is much smarter than me!