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Husbands, Love Your Wives… Like A New Ferrari

Husbands, Love Your Wives… Like A New Ferrari

Loving People Different Than Us

There are a lot of jokes about husbands in the marriage relationship. For example, if a man is in the woods, is he still wrong? Another would be, what are the five words that husbands need to know for a successful marriage? The answer is, “I’m sorry, it’s my fault.” Be that as it may, those jokes are made up by men for men. I must admit there is some truth to them, but it is not the complete picture.

If husbands had any idea of how different God made their wives, they would not have to apologize during disagreements or, worse, storm out of the room angry, or even worse, retaliate with cruel words and threats. The questions come up; can we love them even though we will never completely understand them, and can we respond to them in love when they think and react differently to circumstances than us?

Out of Our Element

There are a lot of things I don’t understand. I don’t understand the plight of the African-American. I’ve not lived with prejudice because of the color of my skin. I don’t understand the struggle of an immigrant living in a foreign land, because they have been forced out of their homeland.

I don’t understand party politics and why there can’t be some common ground. I don’t understand why we have 30,000 denominations and one Jesus. I don’t understand how the co-pay on a drug that I need can cost me $225 one month and the next, $18.17 (true story).

And, even though I have been married 48 years, I don’t understand the emotional depth of my wife. I love it when I am the recipient of her affection, and I cringe when, for any of a dozen reasons, I am the cause of her grief. I have many flaws, and I know it, especially now within marriage. Transparency in a relationship will do that. At the same time, I have never known a relationship that has brought me so much joy and happiness. So, what is the difference? How can I minimize the struggles and maximize intimacy?

Finding The Answers We Need

The answers have been written for years.

  1. Ephesians 5:25 – “Husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church (his earthly family) and gave His life for it.”
  2. Ephesians 5:28 – “…husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife, loves himself.”
  3. 1 Peter 3:7 – “Be considerate as you live with your wife, with respect …”
  4. Matthew 6:15 – “But if you do not forgive others (your wife) their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

But let me put it in terms for guys. 

  1. Love your wife more than your most prized customer.
  2. Treat her with as much care as if she were the Ferrari that you dreamed of owning.
  3. Understand the depth of her emotion more than your emotion when your team wins the Super Bowl.
  4. Love her as tenderly as you would nursing your broken arm.
  5. Forgive her more than the policeman who gave you a warning ticket instead of a $150 speeding ticket.

Hey guys! Protect yourself from yourself. Let Christ do it through you. You can’t do it alone. Learn to love her, through the power of the Holy Spirit, for whom she is and not reject her for who she isn’t. She will bloom into how God made her and not what you want her to be. She will be better.

Takeaway: If a man is in the woods, is he still wrong? It doesn’t matter. He has learned to love despite his own or her shortcomings.

Author: Paul Veerman

 

34 Comments

  1. Jose

    Wow, I wish I got in to this prior to my wife telling she wants to leave me after 23 years. How do I get through this and maybe even win her back. I took her for granted and failed her. And that’s being a pastor for the last 3 years. I am so ashamed.

    Reply
    • Jose Velasco

      Praying for you Jose. I’ve been there. I started working on myself (surrendering to God) to be the best me I’ve ever been.

      Reply
    • Mark

      “For if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church?”
      ‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭3:5‬ ‭NLT‬‬
      https://www.bible.com/116/1ti.3.5.nlt

      You both need Godly counseling. Individually and as a couple. There has to be more to the circumstances than what you have mentioned, but I sense you’ve lost your way. You need to step away from your pastoring and tend to your marriage. Be an example through actions, not a preacher with empty words. If you are truly saved and a believer of Christ, you are to stay committed to your wife. It won’t be easy and may take a long time to repair, but it took you years to get to this point. Only God can bring her back to the marriage in his time. She’s not yours to be won. She’s Gods gift. You must surrender any earthly pride and listen for spiritual truth. Stay in the Word and seek wise counsel.
      May you feel Gods love and guidance through prayer and listening for his direction. All God’s best to you. Amen!

      Reply
    • Robbie Townsend

      Man just wanted you to know that there is someone in Georgia praying for your situation right now.

      Reply
      • Tj Todd

        Way to be Uncommen Robbie!

        Reply
      • Mike Harrison

        Someone praying in Loughborough, United Kingdom too. Keep pressing on Bro!

        Reply
    • James

      Jose

      I am going through the same thing. I have sought God for answers and prayed for him to transform me and my mindset. Be open, honest and transparent with her. Admit your mistakes and ask for forgiveness. Pray, Pray and Pray..Then you TRUST God and let him work. This is what has helped me to repair my broken marriage. I know where you are and how you feel. I will continue to pray for you.

      Reply
      • Tj Todd

        Amen James – we will be praying for you both! Stay Uncommen

        Reply
    • Travis

      Hang in there. I’ve been going through a similar situation for the last four months, and we’re not out of the woods yet. There is a lot of good insight out there, especially from UNCOMMEN. I’ve distilled my situation down to recognizing that God forgives you, forgive yourself, and to pray for the opportunity to tell her that you forgive her for however you think she’s failed you. Meanwhile, improve yourself to be a person you can be proud of no matter what, recognize that you may not be able to win her heart back, be consistent, be grateful for every opportunity to exercise “patience”, … and don’t freak out and start smothering her. That’s my 2 cents from the peanut gallery. Good luck brotha!

      Reply
      • Tj Todd

        Praying for you Travis!

        Reply
    • Jeff Maurer

      Jose – you’re forgiven. I’m sure you know this, but just a reminder…repentance leads to eternal salvation with no regrets.

      Shame. Guilt. Those are spiritual attacks from an enemy that wants steal, kill, & destroy you and God’s greatest gift – marriage.

      She’s worth fighting for. God is worth fighting for. You got this!

      Reply
    • Joel

      Hey bro read the post surviving divorce then do the uncommen youversion app devotion by the same name – helped me a lot

      Reply
    • Tj Todd

      Jose, the misconception of Pastors is most people think they have it all together. A calling, friends, family, support group, when in fact most of the time it may be the opposite. The fact that you may be struggling with something is not new as Jesus told us there would be trials. I would suggestion getting right with God with whatever you need to, prayer and then work on becoming the man of God that you wife needs you to be. Your calling is to God first, then your family. You will not be the Husband you were always meant to be if you are not in the Will of God. No need to be ashamed. We are all sinners saved by Grace. That Grace is still there for you and I right now. Stay Uncommen

      Reply
    • Rick Stockwell

      Have you ever heard of the Love Dare? That’s a GREAT place to start! It’s a book that teaches men how to love their spouse. I’ll admit, after 3 years of marriage, my wife and I are at each other’s throats constantly. I need to pick the love dare up for myself, And ultimately, to win back her affection. I would go as far as renting the movie “fireproof”. Hope this helps men. God has bigger plans for you.

      Reply
    • Ed

      Praying for you and your wife. Asking the Lord to be with you in the process, to bring the truth if Himself into your situation, to give guidance wisdom and unconditional love. To restore what may seem in ruins.

      Reply
  2. Bruce

    Praying for you and your bride from California, Jose. (Prv 3:5-6)
    (Isa 43:2)

    Reply
  3. Mike

    Jose, I feel for you. I was having some major issues with my own wife who was threatening to divorce me. While I found some comfort from many of the Christian websites I often frequent, incurring UnCommen, I found this other website which I am very thankful for. It has helped me immensely with what I need to do to mend things with my wife and it is working. It’s still a work in progress, however after just a short week we’ve had tremendous results. The website is http://husbandhelphaven.com. I hope it’s ok to post. I got so much positive result from the ideas on it, that I just needed to share it with you and any other men that may need some good hands-on advice.
    Also I am in no way affiliated with that site. I only found it and started using some of their ideas the last week.

    Reply
    • Tj Todd

      Mike, don’t worry about posting the link in there. We understand there are many great ministries out there. As long as they are Gospel centered, we have not problem. Stay Uncommen!

      Reply
  4. Tom Piersch

    Mr. Veerman

    With all respect.
    Satan has an agenda and one of them is to make us believe that politics and political policy shape our lives and decisions. He pushes his agenda through every outlet he can. While I am sure you wrote a very great article. I could not make it past the first three paragraphs. I have no doubt that this is exactly how Statan intends it to work. Those that agree with your political statements get a shot in the arm and feel empowered and Gods message through you is stifled, or , men read this and decided to stop reading because of the political views and Gods message through you is stifled. Either way Satan wins.

    Reply
    • Tj Todd

      Unless you read the whole article I don’t think we we take your input seriously

      Reply
      • Tom Piersch

        10-4.

        I just read the whole article. It affirmed my previous view. The first three paragraphs have nothing to do with the message.
        I have met your qualifications. You may now take my input seriously.

        Reply
        • Tj Todd

          Thank you for your feedback

          Reply
    • Stephen Sarvis

      The first four paragraphs are just introduction and do not push any political agenda. You seem to be nitpicking in order to divert attention from the content of his article. How is saying there are areas of life I do not understand because I have not experienced them a political statement. You have not had the identical life situations that I have had – If you claim to understand why and how I react you are being incredibly arrogant, not making a political statement

      Reply
  5. Lukas Schaffner

    Thank you so much UNCOMMEN! Once again you’ve challenged me to be more of what our amazing Creator has created me to be. Not what I want or what I think I need but what He wants from me.
    And remember ya’ll, we typically find what we are looking for. If we are looking for negativity and taking shots at each other – that’s exactly what we will find. If we’re looking for Christ centered, uplifting words from brothers – then that’s what we’ll find. Which is always the case with UNCOMMEN.
    And as far as satan goes. He’s got some tricks up his sleeves but that punk has already been defeated!

    Reply
    • Tj Todd

      Amen!!! Thank you for the encouraging words

      Reply
  6. Steven A Hayes

    Jose, praying for you! Marriage is tough even if you think everything is going great! Your spouse can be in a completely different spot! I’m starting a book and a sermon series at a local church called “The Verticle Marriage” check it out it sounds like your situation! I’m praying that my wife and I can turn our marriage around and bring it back to a verticle msrriage ourself!

    Reply
  7. Woodbridge, VA

    I wish I could have a good positive reply for this blog. Points made here hit home. Don’t make sense but I Love my WIfe but I don’t Love my WIfe. I respect her honor her, I do try to understand her, forgiveness is not a problem.

    IT IS ME and reading this article I have to own it. I don’t LOVE her like CHrist loves the CHurch. What is that exactly how does that look and feel.

    I can’t relate to loving her like a car, or a broken arm. A car is a thing, my arm is well my arm.

    Will be 25 years this year. I am in this for the long haul. I love our children. I am here for her and the children. I don’t hang out I am always home. I work hard and play with the family harder.

    Yet I feel something is missing and not right. I am not completely happy in my soul in my situation.

    Thanks for this message. At least it stirred something up in me. Now I need to just pray on it and God make me more of a man to do and love like I need too.

    Reply
  8. Michael

    I can relate to the pain I see in others posts…. I have spent a lot of years loving my wife and yet not meeting her emotional needs in the ways that she has flat out asked and begged me to. She hasn’t talked about divorce, but we are so broken and disconnected because of my inability to change.

    I appreciate the words of this post…they are things that I have always believed but not really internalized and lived out. I got here from the boyish vs. manly love devotional and have been reading comments for about 20 minutes.

    You gents will be in my prayers as I pray for healing in my own marriage.

    Reply
  9. CH

    A good article with lots of talking points. Here’s a few responses to Paul’s points that i’ve ‘finally’ learned after 25 years of marriage.
    1. Love your wife more than your most prized customer.
    CH- Don’t allow your wife to be a consumer of your attention, protection and provision. You know that her appetite cannot be satisfied. Instead, influence her to recognize her weaknesses while valuing the qualities you bring to the relationship so she can work towards responding with an attitude of thankfulness and not entitlement.
    2. Treat her with as much care as if she were the Ferrari that you dreamed of owning.
    CH- If your wife is as ‘high-maintenance’ as a Ferrari then you’re going to be chasing intimacy for a long time. She’s not a prize, nor a machine, nor a possession; She’s a gift from God who gave her to you because He knows what you need just as you are a gift to her which provides what she needs. When you figure out that God chose our mate because of our needs then you’ll love and treat your wife a lot better than that Ferrari.
    3. Understand the depth of her emotion more than your emotion when your team wins the Super Bowl.
    CH- Try finding out where her intellect ends and her heart begins. Begin strengthening her mind over
    her heart (her weakness) and enjoy the elation of being on the winning team every day
    4. Love her as tenderly as you would nursing your broken arm.
    CH- Do we ‘nurse’ our hurts? Or, do we give it the self-treatment that it needs to ‘get back to normal’ as quickly as possible and become stronger than before? Exactly, love her likewise.
    5. Forgive her more than the policeman who gave you a warning ticket instead of a $150 speeding ticket.
    CH- Be as humble, kind and understanding around her as you were to the policeman who Caught you speeding.

    Reply
  10. Salamatu Dagwar

    Since I married my husband, he has never give Joy or peace he fights me every day, night, weeks, months and years, he beats me up when ever he feels like, am only staying because of my two kids, please tell what to do because I’m afraid of the suffering.

    Reply
    • Tj Todd

      Salamatu, I’m sorry you’re going through that. I want to tell you…you shouldn’t be tolerating any abuse. If you are in a violent situation, please go to the authorities a local church and report him. Take your children with you if needed.

      We do partner with an organization that may be able to offer help. Christian Counseling – https://www.faithfulcounseling.com/start/?gor=start&go=true

      We will be praying for you. Please keep us updated.

      Reply
  11. Jeff

    Its amazing how God speaks to us just when we need it. Week after week your obedience writing these articles have truly helped me as a man, husband, and father to be more like our great Father. Thank you UNCOMMEN.

    Reply
    • Tj Todd

      Thank you for the encouragement – it much appreciated

      Reply
  12. Tim S

    Wow, this has been another eye opener, even the responses, have lead me to more prayer and honesty. I’ve been in recovery from addiction for the last 7 years of my 31 year marriage. Our union is still on shaky ground, and any day I neglect to work specificly on it, I reap the negative results. Ive made an attempt to apply the 11th step prayer from 12 step recovery groups specifically to my marriage along with my daily interactions.
    Lord,make me a channel of thy peace- that where there is hatred, I may bring love- that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness- that where there is discord, I may bring harmony- that where there is error, I may bring truth- that where there is doubt, I may bring faith- that where there is despair, I may bring hope- that where there are shadows, I may bring light- that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted- to understand, than to be understood- to love, than to be loved. For it is by selfforgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving, that one is forgiven. It is by dying, that one awakens to Eternal Life. Amen.
    (12&12 99)

    Reply

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