Deeper Conversation With Your Wife

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Ephesians 4:2-3: “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

Do you remember any books you read from the 5th grade? Maybe it was a Choose Your Own Adventure tale, 101 Ways to Eat Fried Worms, or the one about a Lion, a Witch, and a Wardrobe. The one that immediately comes to my mind?

“How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. My dad knew my intimate knowledge of Star Wars would only get me so far in life, so he made me read this book with no pictures.

Carnegie, the sense of sales, said If you want to have friends, and success in life, simply get people talking about their favorite subject – themselves. It’s not bad advice for husbands.

Peter, one of the first followers of Jesus, an accomplished fisherman, writer of Scripture, and married, wrote, “Live with your wives in an understanding way….” We may never completely understand the woman we live with, but at UNCOMMEN, we attempt to live in an understanding way. The only way to do that is to pray for wisdom and work on our communication. Sitting on a couch or recliner waiting for dinner won’t allow for growth in your marriage.

After you’ve been married for a few years, it’s easy to move from investigative journalist to anchorman. Although anchormen simply report what’s happening during the day, journalists seek to understand the person they’re interviewing.

When marriage comprises two anchors, it can weigh your relationship down. First, you get home, report on your day, and binge-watch Netflix. I’m sure that’s not what you had in mind when you said, “I do.”

Let’s be honest, most of us have about two questions in us after work, “How was your day?” and “What should we eat for dinner?”

I channeled my inner Carnegie and asked a bunch of women on Facebook how we husbands can be more investigative.

One woman wrote: “I think women crave sincerity and want to go beyond the surface of ‘How was your day?’ Get specific and wait around for an answer.”

One said, “I know you’ve had a long day also, but if you came home and asked how can I help?” that would go a long way.

One said, “When we only communicate on surface topics, it catches you off guard when we feel we have to talk about more important topics. We don’t want to have to bring up serious stuff all the time. We would like you to start the conversation because it lets us know you are aware of it.”

One said, “How would you like it if we came home and asked you those same two questions for the next five years?”

You don’t have to be smarter than a 5th grader to have meaningful conversations with your wife – you need a few well-placed questions. If you struggle with this, let your wife know you want to have these deeper conversations but not right when you get home from work. Then you both can schedule a time to have a deeper conversation about more than the weather.

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