Is pornography destroying your marriage? The answer is quite simply, yes. It may not be today but it will, eventually once exposed.
“In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” Ephesians 5:28-30
When Pornography Started For Me
As I grew up, I struggled with this verse, but probably not for the reason most would. See some times, I struggle with hating my body. I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at age 11. In short, this means my body does not create insulin on its own, so I must calculate and determine how much to have to live.
Suddenly feeding my body became a chore, not a pleasure. I also was exposed to what chronic illness does to a family as we had previously been watching my cousin for a few years who had cystic fibrosis. So I did not want my new diagnosis to be a stress to my family. So I took the whole thing on myself and hid any issues so that everything was fine, all the time. An image I decided to portray to my family and the doctors.
This issue gave Satan an excellent opportunity to slide in with the emerging internet age and the availability of pornography, which was a relief to all the stress around just trying to live a regular life.
So this one thing that “helped” me deal with my stress, I slowly find out as I get older is, as referenced in 1 Corinthians 6:18, a sin against my own body.
I was mad at my body for not working correctly, and I was sinning against it in practicing sexual sin.
Like many men who get involved with porn before marriage and are still virgins, I thought getting married would fix it. But it doesn’t. It was a way of creating bitterness and hostility between us. Building a relationship is tough, and there are consequences to the way you speak, move, act, spend your time, etc.
As I struggle with being angered by my body, I am being told to love my wife as I love my body. Yeah, that’s right, the body I am sinning against daily. I kept my pornography a secret for many years, and as I did, it hurt our relationship in so many ways. It also hurt me. I grew to want to love her better than how I loved myself and became bitter and angered towards myself.
Is Pornography Destroying Your Marriage?
God blessed me with a woman who decided to confront me, challenge me, and then tell me to get help while she tried to get help for all that this meant to her. Unintentionally all my insecurities that brought on my additions were being communicated to her. My love for her was a reflection of my love, or lack thereof, for myself.
I have spoken with many pastors, psychologists, and social workers over the years and still use apps and accountability to this day. But one verse stuck out to me on Christmas Eve one morning.
“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it to the glory of God.” – 1 Corinthians 10:31
That morning, I asked myself, is there any possible way pornography could be used to God’s glory?
Not a chance. Is pornography destroying your marriage? 100% chance.
I have been living free from the captivating pull of pornography for over two years now. I am still working with the consequences of what it has done in my life and relationships.
Hello Uncommen, this topic, is very good. I enjoy reading when I can. Thank you UNCOMMEN for help in determining and discipline for me to serve my wife and family.
Roger, thank you for the encouragement. Whenever we write on this topic, we get so much push back that it’s good to hear it’s having an impact on some people. Keep pressing on…Stay Uncommen!
I really enjoyed this topic. It is exactly what my wife and I are going through. I am involved in a support group but my wife cannot find one which is not good cause she needs support as well. I am very encouraged by your message that our marriage can and will continue
I know this is beyond old at this point, but maybe the Google machine will bring other men here that can benefit from reading it and the comments.
I have struggled with this for decades. I was first exposed at 7 years old and never truly stopped until recently at 32. Over that stretch I had gotten married, plunged further into sexual sin, had children, watched it almost destroy my marriage (MULTIPLE TIMES!!), and finally it came to a head 6 months ago when my wife catfished me and I “failed the test.”
Several times over the decades have a tried to “white knuckle it” and “just stop,” only to inevitably fail days, or MAYBE a week-ish later. This go around was different. Not only were the ramifications of my sinful lifestyle all too real and crashing down on me before my very eyes, but the accompanying grace that I finally sought out was beyond anything I could have ever imagined and I realized that all of my past attempts were nothing compared to this time, for seemingly simple reasons. They were half-baked and essentially false. I hadn’t hit bottom until now.
In an effort to “get real” with what I perceived as my soon-to-be-ex wife, I opted to confess everything that I had ever done, everything I kept secret, all the way down to my deepest, darkest secret from that same timeframe as my first exposure to pornography. I won’t go into detail here, but suffice it to say it was bad. It almost surfaced prior to all of the blow up, but I lied my way out of the consequences then. I came clean about that lie. I drug the worst of my sin out into the open and confessed it to the woman that was already repulsed by me. She was shocked, but heard me nevertheless, piling onto the ever-growing reasons to walk away.
This wasn’t just a confession to her. It was a confession to God. It was me finally getting real with the darkest sins of my past. I knew He had forgiven me, but I still hadn’t forgiven myself. And living with this gave me a sense of, “Well, how bad can porn be compared to what I’ve done before?” and it’s almost like I justified my addiction to myself in this way. But by dragging it into the light, confessing it to others (I’ve shared the entire story with numerous others since then and watched as this thing that was once crushing me lose strength as I gathered support to help me carry it), I was able to feel what true grace feels like. Let me tell you, dear reader, if you haven’t felt the truly liberating feeling that accompanies TRULY giving it ALL to God, then you are doing yourself a disservice. You can’t clean up your life while still keeping parts of it hidden away. It starts with coming clean and really laying it out there.
Does this guarantee your wife will hear it and show the same grace God does? No, unfortunately, it doesn’t. She has free will too and may decide this is beyond her capability to bear. That’s ok, because you’re doing it for God, and to become the man HE needs you to be, not her. If she can stay beside you as you sanctify your life and take steps to be the man you’ve been called to be, then great. If not, you have to “run that race anyway for your own sake.
I am happy to report that my wife is the rare exception to the above statement. God has poured more grace through her than I could have ever dreamed of, and we’re making steps towards FINALLY having a marriage God has always meant for it to be, and one she has always deserved.
My name is Logan, I have been free of pornography and inappropriate sexual behaviors for all of 5.5 months, and it has been the absolute best 5.5 months of my life. God can, and does, work miracles. I am a walking example of it.
If you can search your heart and confidently say that you’ve TRULY laid it all out before God and have confessed it to a support network (other men, pastors, etc.) and still struggle, please consider professional help. My freedom started before I began any sort of therapy but I have since been seeing a therapist and have learned A LOT about this addiction, that it’s a symptom of deeper issues, and how to truly find lasting healing from all of this. You can too.
Logan, your comment is so inspiring, it was almost better than the blog post itself! Many blessings to you & your family for a long life and happy, fulfilling marriage. Your story captures the heart of what it really means to be a man after God’s own heart. Thank you for sharing it!