James 1:19 “Wherefore my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
I suddenly regretted the words that had just left my mouth. My wife and I had just been in a bitter argument and I; being the broken man that I am, had to get the last word in. Most of us have been in this situation a time or two in the past, and as men, we tend to lean towards a win/lose way of thinking. Well, friends; I’m here to tell you that I wasn’t the only one that lost that day. Not only did my words hurt my wife but they hurt our relationship, and that takes time to repair.
Setting the example
As spiritual leaders in our home and in our marriage, it is up to us to set the example for our spouse as well as our children. Getting the last word in sometimes works against us in the long run. It’s hard to see in the heat of the moment that God wants us to stop and truly reflect on why this event is happening. Sometimes when we take a moment to ask God to help us, he may very shed some light on why we are feeling the way we are about the situation and maybe even give us the means to say it out loud.
Time and again I yell, speak harshly, and generally act like a grump towards my wife and family as the Lord continues to mold me and work the kinks out. Time and time again my wife and family forgive me for my transgressions but I never truly forgive myself. It’s not until I sit down with God and ask him to heal me and show me how to be a better husband and Dad that I begin to feel a little more like a man again.
Proverbs 29:11 “A fool uttereth all his mind; but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.”
I regret what I said; How can I avoid it?
So, the next time you find yourself in the middle of a heated discussion with your spouse or family, do yourself a favor. Ask yourself the following three questions before you speak. First question: Is it True? Now sometimes this is a pointed question because the answer may very well be right but that leads to another question. Question 2: Is it kind? See, if the answer is TRUE but not KIND – it is probably better to keep it behind closed lips! Question 3: Is it beneficial? Does what you have to say benefit the conversation at all? If any of the above answers are NO – then keep it to yourself as more harm will come of it than good.
We try hard every day to work towards our relationship with the Lord, our spouses, and our families. Let’s not let harsh words and misspeaking get in the way of allowing us to be UNCOMMEN!
Author: Tim Hudson
Great message. 2nd time I’ve heard this type message this week so I know the Holy Spirit is at work! The other side of this I heard is that before we even get into these conversations we need to convince ourselves it’s ok to be wrong .
I’m a Very Hard man especially toward my wife. We have been married 32 plus years. I believe she had enough more than a few years back and has been with other men. I don’t know that 100% but my gut and everything about me says yes she has and she has done a few things that lean that way also. Of course she denies it.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Percy, thank you for sharing that with us.
By your own admission, you said you are a “Very Hard Man toward your wife” and that is never a good thing. If you think that, what does she think? Or better yet, what does God think? We were never meant to be aggressive toward our wives. God made a “Helpmeet” for us, not someone to be mean toward.
I would suggest repenting of that to God, having a conversation with your wife about forgiveness and ask to restart your marriage. You’d be surprised what we think of a person “leaving us” is actually responding to be “pushed away”.
I hope this helps as I’m not trying to step on toes, but be a truthful brother in Christ.
We can do better than this!
Percy, I’m praying for you tonight, man. I second Tj’s counsel. It’s time to repent to God – “Against you, you only, have I sinned…” (Psalm 51:4) and move towards your wife with tenderness. You can do this.
I’m sorry to hear this Percy its not always clear how God want’s us to handle these situations but love always cover’s sin and asking God to shine light into any darkness is a scary but necessary prayer here.
Eph 4:29, Eph 4:29, Eph 4:29!!!!
Pls Lord, bring that to my thoughts & mind before I move my lips!! Memorize it!! Memorize it!! Memorize it!!
God help me to not have to be the one that’s right in a disagreement with my wife . I love her so much!!! I’m praying for all my struggling brothers out there !! God bless !!
We shouldn’t seek to win the argument; we should seek to win the person. We don’t always have to be right.
I love the fact of men being able to share our failures here in the process of looking for healing for ourselves to manage our temperament and the best at we respond to our loved family. I’m being plagued by the effects of having a bad temper, getting nervous randomly and charging my wife unjustly…. I feel so broken and disappointed with myself but this morning I got something, there is always hope so I’m taking action and calling my church to seek some personal counselling and I’m even ok to see a psychiatrist to process all this hatred and rage I feel from time to time.. (that most likely came from the the many cases of brokenness I saw growing up).
So, my advice to you all is to speak up and look for help. This is a great sign of courage and manliness.
Thank you for sharing that with us. We will be praying for you, your wife and your counseling. Keep us updated on your process and know that we are for you!
Wow, this message was so convicting to me. I tend to let my emotions take over when me and my spouse are in a heated discussion and always feel bad about it later. This has given me some practical tools to use the next time I find myself in the same boat. Thank you…
I am currently dealing with a situation where I through my wife under the bus to my family. I didn’t cover her and I really hurt her heart. I’m feeling horrible as I feel not only did I hurt her and my children by causing this rif in our life, but I feel as though it could have been prevented had I been more connected to Gods ways and put this steps described into play in my life. I would have been so much better off had I kept my mouth shut! Now I’m trying to repair a mess. It’s been 3 weeks and my wife still cowers when I even try to put my arm around her. It hurts so bad, I have never abused or cheated on my wife but I have unfortunately said many hurtful things. It got so bad this time that we almost separated. I’m thankful though that God gave me another chance and is working in me to be a better uncommen man. I’m thankful for finding this group and this message!
I pray that God will show me how to love her in the right way and that he will heal her heart, and teach me to guard it!
Chris I learned from a marriage group a while back you chose your wife. Not your family or even your children. Same with Christ chose you. Take time to just adore and admire her today; not for anyone else but for her. Prayers for the both of you.
I have struggled for years to meet my wife’s needs for romance and intimacy. We have been married 36 years but probably the last ten or so have been difficult in that department. It’s like I have a mental block when it comes to thinking and planning things to help the situation. I pray about it regularly but can’t seem to get a breakthrough. Can someone out there identify and help with suggestions? Thanks
My wife calls it being self absorbed or me being in my own head and not thinking outside my own selfish ways and desires. This then makes her numb to romance and intimacy. Pray for the ability to know what to do and say (or not say) at any given time and put her front and center before your wants and desires.
Jim, thanks for the input. I’m always suggesting “Gary Chapman – 5 Love Languages” to couples to get to know how to communicate with your spouse. You may even take the free test to see what yours is. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
Man thanks to all you. I hear the good in each one of your words of healing. Only coming from Him. I been spiraling my marriage into the ground. And lacking in my faithfulness. I know I am still in works thanks to some of these words
Many thanks Tim for your message. I can see it’s been very helpful to many couples. My question is what is the best way to handle a very difficult woman who uses a very painful words anytime there’s an issue that is easy to solve?
I am in situation where I find it so difficult to even trust her base on her actions and choice of words though I have not seen her cheating. I am really confuse.
My wife and I have been separated for 1 1/2 years. She is the preschool minister at our church. I didn’t cheat on her or beat on her, but I too an a hard man and my harsh words hurt her and my daughters to the point that she filed for divorce. A week before mediation, I was overwhelmed with conviction for how I treated her, and the fact that I do not want a divorce. I went to her with hat in hand offering to do anything to salvage our family. She agreed to cancel the mediation in lieu of entering counseling again as a couple to attempt reconciliation. I am also pursuing counseling for myself to heal the brokenness from an absent and abusive father who gave me one final kick in the balls by disinheriting me when he died. Please pray for us and any books/tapes you can recomend would be appreciated.
This has been awesome! I have been seeking God asking for enlightenment and healing for my marriage. He has led me here. Another source to let me know that I’m not alone in this battle. I know that God is at work. I no longer want to disappoint God or my wife in our marriage. Thank you for Uncommen Men being open and honest.
RPJ, Thank you for the encouraging words. We try to be as transparent as possible as we all struggle with something. I’m thankful for a God who understands that.