In the journey of life, we often find ourselves in situations we never anticipated. One such situation that many men find themselves in is navigating the complex dynamics of blended families. Whether it’s through adoption, fostering, remarriage after divorce, or widowhood, these situations present unique challenges that require authentic manhood to address.
The concept of a blended family is broad, encompassing various scenarios. It could be a family formed through adoption or fostering, or perhaps through remarriage after a divorce or the loss of a spouse. Each of these situations has its unique dynamics, challenges, and blessings.
Let’s consider fostering first. We’ve seen young couples who are eager to foster and possibly adopt. They go through rigorous interviews and assessments to ensure they are stable and capable of providing a loving home for a child. But the journey doesn’t end with the approval of their application. The real challenge begins when the child steps into their home and their lives.
The Struggle
The struggles that come with fostering, adoption, or remarriage are not unlike those faced by biological parents. There will be challenges, issues of attitudes, expectations, and personality clashes. After all, you don’t have to be adopted to have a different personality than your parents.
Every child is unique, and every parent-child relationship is different. As parents, we need to set realistic expectations. If you go into fostering with the expectation that these children will be yours forever, you may be setting yourself up for heartbreak. Many times, fostering is a temporary arrangement, a safe haven for a child during a difficult time in their life.
Adoption, on the other hand, is a more permanent commitment. It’s a process that can be lengthy and costly, and the more specific your requirements, the more challenging it can become. We’ve seen friends who were eager to adopt, but their specific requirements made the process more difficult.
Then there’s the scenario of remarriage after a divorce or the loss of a spouse. This situation presents its unique challenges, especially when children are involved. The dynamics of what the children knew before and what they know now as their family can be a difficult transition.
So, how do we navigate this while embracing the challenges of blended families? How do we exercise authentic manhood in these situations?
God at the center
Firstly, we need to put God at the center of our families. Whether the children know God or not, they will be exposed to His love and grace in a God-centered family. Make Bible reading time a daily routine until everyone gets on the same page regarding behaviors and communication styles.
Secondly, we need to establish boundaries. Even though children may resist them, they appreciate the security that boundaries provide. It’s important to approach this process with planning, patience, and good communication with your spouse or spouse-to-be.
Lastly, we need to be there for our children, especially when times get tough. They need to know that you’re going to be there even when their other parent is not. Having boundaries will help build that trust.
Authentic manhood in the context of blended families is about embracing the challenges, setting realistic expectations, establishing boundaries, and above all, putting God at the center of the family. It’s about being the man God wants us to be, not just for ourselves but for our families as well.
Questions:
- How can you put God at the center of your family today?
- What boundaries do you need to establish in your blended family?
- How can you better communicate with your spouse or spouse-to-be about the challenges of your blended family?
Challenge: This week, I challenge you to have an open and honest conversation with your family about the challenges you’re facing. Ask for their input and work together to find solutions. Remember, you’re not in this alone. You have a family who loves you and a God who is always there to guide you.
Remember, if you’re going to be something, be Uncommen. Be an authentic man who embraces the challenges of blended families with grace, patience, and love.
As a divorced dad of 2, I rushed the process of introducing my kids to my SO. In the rush to move on, I didn’t slow down to consider how it would effect them. It’s definitely something I wish I would have done differently.
Been remarried for one year now to a Christian woman with a 7-year-old boy. I have a 9-year-old boy. We have my son 50% of the time and her son about 90% of the time. What would boundaries look like and how can we put God at the center of the family? What would that look like. We do attend church weekly, and the boys attend every other week but of course go to childcare during the service.
Jason, thank you for the reply. I hope this helps
Establish Family Devotion Time:
Dedicate a specific time each week for the family to come together for prayer, scripture reading, and sharing personal experiences. This nurtures spiritual bonding.
Respectful Communication:
Encourage open dialogue where every member, regardless of age, feels heard.
Avoid negative speech, gossip, or speaking ill of the other biological parent in front of the children.
Clear Roles:
The husband and wife should discuss and agree upon their roles in parenting. Consistency between the two will provide a stable environment for the children.Ensure that both biological and step-parents have a role in decision-making.
Individual Time:
Each parent should spend individual quality time with their biological child, ensuring they maintain a close bond.
Similarly, step-parents should gradually foster individual relationships with their step-children.
Unified Parenting:
The husband and wife should present a united front. If disagreements arise regarding parenting decisions, discuss them privately, away from the children.
Private Spaces:
Each child should have their own private space in the home where they can spend time alone or with friends, fostering a sense of belonging and individuality.
Conflict Resolution:
Address conflicts with love, patience, and understanding. Remember that adjustment takes time.
Encourage family members to forgive and move forward, emphasizing the Christian principles of grace and reconciliation.
Establish New Traditions:
Create new family traditions that everyone can look forward to. This fosters unity and creates shared memories.
Professional Counseling:
Regularly meet with a Christian family counselor to navigate any challenges and ensure all members feel supported.
Prioritize Marital Relationship:
The husband and wife should prioritize their relationship, setting aside regular date nights and check-ins. A strong marital bond provides a stable foundation for the entire family.
Empathy and Understanding:
Recognize that every family member, especially the children, might be going through their own emotional journey. Offer grace, patience, and understanding.
Set Boundaries with External Family:
Ensure that extended family members respect the family’s boundaries, decisions, and parenting roles.
These boundaries, rooted in Christian principles of love, understanding, and patience, can provide a strong framework for the blended family to thrive together.