This week’s post was written by UNCOMMEN Coach, Brian Goins, author of Playing Hurt: A Guy’s Strategy for a Winning Marriage
“If we believe crazy things about sex, we do crazy things in our sex life.”
– Dr. Les Parrott
In a book with one of my favorite titles, Crazy Good Sex, Dr. Parrott unmasks some of the most common myths we men are quick to buy.
Myth #1: Sex with the Same Person Gets Boring
In the movie Old School, a guy named Beanie mocks one of his recently married buddies for deciding to have sex with only one person for the rest of his life. And listen, ask any married man, hot sex can go on ice.
Comedian Ray Romano said in Newsweek, ”After kids, everything changes. We’re having sex about every three months. If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due.”
Maybe that’s why over 80% of the names published in the Ashley Madison list were men. Cue Mr. Obvious: we men are far more susceptible than women to buy the lie that affairs will be satisfying. The FAQ page on Ashley Madison’s site feeds the myth: “… If you still feel that you will seek a person other than your partner to fill your unmet needs, then we truly believe that our service is the best place to start.”
Good con men offer something for nothing and then give nothing for something. In this case, over 32 million people believed they could get away with (or just dabble with the idea of) an affair only to find out it cost their marriage, their families, their reputation, and in the case of a few, their lives (a few men listed the site in suicide notes).
The problem isn’t Ashley Madison or sites promising “no-risk trysts.” It’s our propensity to believe that once you’ve lost that loving feeling, it’s just too hard to get it back.
In his book, Dr. Parrot highlighted the plight of many couples like Chris and Tara. Early in their marriage, they played in the sack almost every night. Then after Tara had a baby…they just hit the sack. They went from DINK’s (dual income, no kids) to DINS (dual income, no sex). Dr. Parrott points out that the fantasy that swinging singles have better sex is that, a fantasy. The stats don’t lie. Married guys get it more often, more regularly, and more enjoyably than the single guy. 48% of husbands say sex with their partners is extremely satisfying, compared to just 37% of cohabiting men. Almost 2/3 of women said the best sex they’ve ever had is within marriage. (Crazy Good Sex, p. 77)
Dr. Parrott gives 10 UNCOMMEN tips in his book for how to rekindle what’s been lost.
Want to see em?
#10: Change your position…I’ll let you use the imagination
#9: Change your schedule…there’s a reason it’s called “Afternoon Delight”
#8: Think outside the bed…kitchen table, tent, go parking again.
#7: Don’t keep track of stats…it’s not how often, but how good.
#6: Get help…there’s a reason doctors wear the white coat. Trust their advice.
#5: Season your senses…you’ve got five of them, why only use 1?
#4: Spontaneity is overrated…everything else goes on the calendar, why not your sex life?
#3: Lock the bedroom door…no really, the average couple has sex 2.4 times a week, we think your kids have something to do with the .4.
#2: Woo your wife…if you don’t date your wife, someone else will.
#1: Have “the Talk”…with your wife. It’s common to have unspoken expectations about sex. That always leads to frustration. Uncommen have conversations about what you like and what she likes.
You can either choose to love the one you’re with or daydream about the ones you’re not. Some guys think, “Man if I could just score like legendary basketball player, Wilt Chamberlain: not so much on the court (over 31,000 points), but off…(reportedly over 20,000 women).
Later in his life, Wilt admitted he would have traded all 20,000 for the 1 woman he could have loved his whole life. I guess it’s far easier to love the woman you have than long for the women you don’t. The perfect spouse is the present spouse.
Don’t buy the con. Be UNCOMMEN!
Check out Dr. Parrott’s book and other great resources at www.lesandleslie.com.
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